I realized- embarrassingly- that last month it has been 10 years that I’ve been single.
Not without some encounters (good/ bad/ indifferent) along the way, but without someone that I would call “long-term boyfriend”… It hasn’t been a decade without other accomplishments though- I decided to quit a job to return full-time to school, travelled overseas (NZ, Fiji, Australia, Germany, London, and a couple trips to New York + others), I’ve gotten my degree, I’ve moved to a new town and found a job and kept that job for five years, while being promoted along the way, I’ve learned a few other things (partial German, how to crochet), written/ directed a short film, helped on others. I’ve taken my Reiki levels, reflexology, and am now unemployed (by choice) with looking at a WTF and HTF am I going to define myself in the next 10 years (G-d willing of course).
So I thought about this whole being single thing – what it means ‘socially’ and what it means for me. I had a bit of a thought wave – what if I was one of those people who would never marry – a spinster/ a bachelorette – and that is just what is determined? Apart from the feeling sorry for myself (as that would happen) what else is there to being single? Would my life’s course, or what I want to do with my life, change in anyway?
I realized after maybe avoiding the question or not wanting to feel sorry for myself, that I probably wouldn’t do much different than I’m currently doing – except I’d spend a heckuva lot less time feeling sorry about not having a mate. I would remove all of my ‘dating’ profiles (okay, there aren’t that many, but still); I’d probably not feel guilty or less than when I read or heard about my friends that had their families and good marriages, and I’d probably not feel somewhat superior or lucky when I read or heard about my friends or relatives when their relationships were tanking. It seems to be the thing – relationships are the be all and end all when they are working well, but when they aren’t, they are then end of the earth. For moi, I luckily don’t *have* to deal with anything of that nature right now, and I’m *not* going to deal with that BS unless the perfection embodied comes waltzing into my life. I refuse. Why would I want to welcome that into my being if it wasn’t worth it – for a mind/ life-altering experience? If I wanted to create something out of nothing, I have a pretty good brain for that and could probably do that without too much issue… but to do that with another person really doesn’t interest me.
SO – If I had to start a site for SINGLE people, this would be my ad. No upsells, no fancy words. This is it. Although now I’m thinking about it, this is probably what Facebook and Twitter are. No?
I’m 34 years old. Not young – not old. Right there in the middle of things. Still this side of the hill of middle-age, but happy as a frickin clam that my 20’s are over. I’m one of those assholes who is a spiritual person but doesn’t like religion. I adore comedy, am sarcastic, and am completely irrational. I’m smart, I am generally bored with most conversations and I’m an intellectual snob. I’d be a hipster if I wore thicker glasses, I could wear clothes from American Apparel, or if I lived in a city that – in all honesty- wasn’t in the buttfuck middle of nowhere. I’ve seen a few things in my time, luckily have been graced with a good upbringing, and I love my folks, who have been together for the better part of 50 years. I moved to a town close to them because I was afraid of living my life without knowing them as an adult, but I’ve found in the past few years that this probably has morphed into an observation of slow departure – watching people you love get older is fucking difficult. I try to take care of them when I can, when I’m not worried about my new shoes or my crap car. The next ten years will hopefully be filled with happiness, accomplishments and more helping them out, and helping myself funnel my strange adoration for creativity but my absolute laziness into some sort of random occurrence that amuses me.
I’d be a star fucker if I could fuck stars.
I’d be someone who would perform on a stage if I could get over the bone-crushing anxiety that comes with even beginning to think of what it would mean for moi to get on the stage and sing or perform musically.
I’m going to start adopting Miss Piggy’s approach to everything, including referring to myself as moi. As referenced above.
I have an adoration of all things musical, as if it was another religion. I can play the piano by ear, and am crap at reading music. But I can usually pick up a tune within two times of hearing it. I can sing. Most of the time. I used to be able to play flute too but that stopped in about grade 11 and I haven’t practiced since. My mother said I should save my flute for one day when I have kids; thus I’m selling it.
I like Lady Gaga’s fashion, but wish she was more Zorn-like in her music.
**** End profile.
I imagine that in the right context, this could get me a lot of attention. Honesty honesty honesty. But like I saw s/one post on twitter, “Man, people must really like liars, because when you tell them the truth they get MAD!”.
So this is my Single Pledge, as it were – to live it as truly single, not ‘alone’ or ‘waiting’ but just GMSD (Getting my Stuff Done), whatever that happens to be. I have to, at some point as a spiritual person, believe that my existence or my manifestation as this being is to do *something* and hopefully that something will be realizing or announcing itself soon… but like Reverend Run (@RevRunWisdom on Twitter) has said, “G-d doesn’t bring you all this way to leave you”. Sorry Rev & G-d – I Really SUCK at quoting things and people. Forgiven?