So, it’s been 18 months since I wrote my blog on suicide, and it will be two years that I’ve been on a gluten-free diet, allowing for my brain to heal somewhat in the past while. It’s not been smooth. I feel at every impasse I’m getting ready to battle: so my question is, is that battle really there, or in preparing for it am I helping build that trench that I can’t seem to get out of?
It’s the difference between positive thinking and just being positive. “There is no try, there is only do”, as Yoda said, but that ‘doing’ is the hard step, especially for someone recovering. In a way my mental illness, such as it is now, isn’t a scapegoat for me, but a safety net: if my brain decides that it isn’t working anymore, I can fall back and still bounce back again. I feel I still need that safety net, but I don’t know how to keep it around without everyone seeing. I’d like to be able to have it there, just in case, but just the act of saying “I need a mental health break” perks up ears and readies a poise: “For what?” I”m sure they ask. “Why do *you* (woman, single, no kids, no major life issues) need a mental health break?”. Sometimes I think if I just keep super busy, I’ll be able to move past the dips in my mood that might crop up. Sort of like a rock skipping across the water: if I keep up appearances, and just go fast enough at the right angles, I’ll be able to stay afloat forever.
There is part of me that hates that analogy. I hate it because it paints me as infallible, but I also don’t know if that infallibility is just something that I recognize in myself, that others also have but they might not recognize yet, or if it is *because* I recognize that infallibility that I lose that ability to stay afloat (insert Wile E Coyote running off a cliff and not looking down, then looking down and starts to fall).
So this thing called “stigma” – it is a thing, but I wonder if in my own life, I’d be better served to not acknowledge that thing, and instead to move ahead as best I can, or to try to rationalize why I’m not as (insert adjective here) as I thought I should be at this age. That safety net, that excuse of sorts, allows me to live somewhat guilt-free, but from what? Really I should be guilt-free anyhow, right? So what if I haven’t achieved all the things on my bucket list, or if I haven’t travelled as much as I would have liked or if I haven’t finished any or all of the projects I’ve set out to do in the past. Really, I should start from zero, from scratch, and build up my new life with new expectations and ideas and processes of doing things. Not to diminish everything I’ve done, but to give myself a bit of a concession for moving ahead.
Some dickhead said something about not being able to move forward when you are stuck in the past. Fuck him. But he or she was right.
Between the last post in September 2012 and this one, I think I’ve advanced by leaps and bounds. I’ve held down a full-time job, I’ve taken classes, I’ve even worked two part-time jobs at the same time. I’ve done a lot of things that I could have even attempted to do two years ago with much success. I couldn’t have had an idea of moving ahead or moving away without horrid anxiety setting in, and without my being “stuck” being underlined several times within that internal dialogue. And out of the at stuckness got more stuckness.
Another soul once said fake it till you make it – I applied that approach to negotiating spaces with dogs. If they think that you are a friend, and you approach them like that, they rarely freak out; but if you approach them timidly, they will react in fear/ anger/ or with growly bits.
So do I just forge ahead, thinking I’m hot shit and not letting anyone know that *I* know different, but it’s all a rouse? I know this will work for me in regards to not letting people take advantage of me, but in general, will it work? Here’s to trying it out.